A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one.
"Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father, "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."
Then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time."
"You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college."
"Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "And cheap ones too."
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Joke - Stand Up
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses.
The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up.
The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up.
The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Weird News - Prank video for 'world's best job' stars bin Laden
The Associated Press
More than 10,000 people have jumped at the chance to become the caretaker of a tropical Australian island — including a prankster identifying himself as terror mastermind Osama bin Laden.
A 30-second video available on YouTube shows an actual video of the bearded al-Qaida leader with garble dubbed over his real voice and subtitles stating why he is right for the job.
"I enjoy the outdoors and sandy areas," the subtitles read. "I've got experience with videos, delegating tasks and experience with large scale event coordination."
Tourism Queensland, which is coordinating the contest, confirmed that a person using bin Laden's name had lodged an official application but it was rejected as inappropriate, the Sydney Morning Herald reported Wednesday.
Bin Laden is believed to be in hiding somewhere along the mountainous border between Afghanistan and Pakistan and occasionally releases video and audio messages.
Queensland launched the "Best Job in the World" campaign on Jan. 12, calling for video applications from people interested in a 150,000 Australian dollar ($100,000) contract to relax on Hamilton Island in the Great Barrier Reef for six months while writing a blog to promote the island.
The job is part of a AU$1.7 million ($1.1 million) campaign to publicize the charms of northeastern Queensland state. The employee will live free on the island, exploring the reef and posting videos and photos on a weekly blog.
Some of the most popular videos that have been vetted and approved by Queensland Tourism staff can be viewed on the department's Web site.
More than 10,000 people have jumped at the chance to become the caretaker of a tropical Australian island — including a prankster identifying himself as terror mastermind Osama bin Laden.
A 30-second video available on YouTube shows an actual video of the bearded al-Qaida leader with garble dubbed over his real voice and subtitles stating why he is right for the job.
"I enjoy the outdoors and sandy areas," the subtitles read. "I've got experience with videos, delegating tasks and experience with large scale event coordination."
Tourism Queensland, which is coordinating the contest, confirmed that a person using bin Laden's name had lodged an official application but it was rejected as inappropriate, the Sydney Morning Herald reported Wednesday.
Bin Laden is believed to be in hiding somewhere along the mountainous border between Afghanistan and Pakistan and occasionally releases video and audio messages.
Queensland launched the "Best Job in the World" campaign on Jan. 12, calling for video applications from people interested in a 150,000 Australian dollar ($100,000) contract to relax on Hamilton Island in the Great Barrier Reef for six months while writing a blog to promote the island.
The job is part of a AU$1.7 million ($1.1 million) campaign to publicize the charms of northeastern Queensland state. The employee will live free on the island, exploring the reef and posting videos and photos on a weekly blog.
Some of the most popular videos that have been vetted and approved by Queensland Tourism staff can be viewed on the department's Web site.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Joke - At the Military Base
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
Joke - Do you know me?
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Joke - Hair Salon
A woman stuck her head into a hair salon and asked, "How long before I can get a wash & curl?"
The beautician looked around the salon full of customers and said, "about 2 hours."
The woman left.
A few days later, the same woman stuck her head in the door and asked, "how long before I can get a wash & curl?"
The beautician looked around at the salon and said, "about 3 hours."
The woman left.
A week later, the same woman stuck her head in the salon and asked, " How long before I can get a wash & curl?"
The beautician looked around the salon and said, "about a hour and a half."
The woman left.
The beautician turned to her friend and said, "Hey Juanita, do me a favor. Follow that woman and see where she goes."
"She keeps asking how long she has to wait for a wash & curl, but then she doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Juanita returned to the salon, laughing hysterically.
The beautician asked, "So, where does that woman go when she leaves?"
Juanita looked up, wiped the tears from her eyes and said, "Your man's house".
The beautician looked around the salon full of customers and said, "about 2 hours."
The woman left.
A few days later, the same woman stuck her head in the door and asked, "how long before I can get a wash & curl?"
The beautician looked around at the salon and said, "about 3 hours."
The woman left.
A week later, the same woman stuck her head in the salon and asked, " How long before I can get a wash & curl?"
The beautician looked around the salon and said, "about a hour and a half."
The woman left.
The beautician turned to her friend and said, "Hey Juanita, do me a favor. Follow that woman and see where she goes."
"She keeps asking how long she has to wait for a wash & curl, but then she doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Juanita returned to the salon, laughing hysterically.
The beautician asked, "So, where does that woman go when she leaves?"
Juanita looked up, wiped the tears from her eyes and said, "Your man's house".
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Weird News - Cable provider apologizes for porn interruption
The Associated PressA cable television provider apologized Monday to Tucson-area customers over a 30-second porn interruption during the Super Bowl.
Philadelphia-based Comcast said it was conducting a thorough investigation "and will aggressively pursue all leads until we come to resolution." In separate statements, the company said it was "mortified" and "appalled" by the interruption.
"Our initial investigation suggests this was an isolated malicious act," Jennifer Khoury, Comcast's vice president for corporate communications, said.
The company said only customers in the Tucson area receiving the standard definition feed — not high definition — were affected.
Comcast has some 80,000 customers in unincorporated portions of Pima County, Marana and Oro Valley, but a Comcast spokeswoman, Kelle Maslyn, declined to say how many standard definition customers there are or how many of those customers may have been watching the game.
Late Monday, Khoury said Comcast had decided to offer any Tucson customer who gets the standard definition service a $10 credit. The affected customers can receive the credit by calling a special telephone number or a Comcast call center, and are entitled to the money whether or not they watched the Super Bowl.
"The Super bowl is a family viewing event ... We can't undo what happened, but we remain deeply sorry for the impact this situation has had on our customers," Khoury said.
She said the credit was intended to "demonstrate to our customers, and to the Tucson community, how seriously we take this situation."
Tucson media outlets reported that they received calls from irate viewers about the pornographic material, which aired just after the Arizona Cardinals' Larry Fitzgerald scored on a long touchdown reception during the final minutes of the game.
In Washington, Federal Communications Commission spokesman David Fiske said he was not aware of any complaints having been filed with the FCC as of Monday afternoon.
"At this point we just have no information," he said. If the agency receives complaints, review procedures will be followed.
"Every case concerning enforcement or indecency is fact-specific," he said, and added, "we can't ever speculate."
Khoury also said it was too soon to discuss a number of unanswered issues, ranging from how and why the incident occurred to what the source was and how the company's security system was breached.
Other questions include whether the interruption could have emanated from any broadcast provided for on-demand customers and whether any employees of the company might face discipline, depending on the investigation's outcome.
Fiske could not say whether the FCC potentially could impose a fine or other disciplinary action. "It depends on what the facts are," he said.
Joke - Surgeon’s Preference
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.
* The first surgeon said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
* The second replied, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
* The third added, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
* The fourth one boasted, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
* Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”
* The first surgeon said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
* The second replied, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
* The third added, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
* The fourth one boasted, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
* Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Joke - Printer Repair
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop
where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be
cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might
be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you
discourage business?"
"Actually, it is my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually
make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves
first."
where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be
cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might
be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you
discourage business?"
"Actually, it is my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually
make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves
first."